I'm moving

I have a confession.

I haven't been blogging very much lately. Was it obvious?

Starting at the beginning of this year, some changes blew through this household, some job-related, some school-related, and a few changes just might of traipsed on in here on four legs.

Much to my dismay, I just haven't had near the time I used to to spend hanging out over here. And as a result, I've outgrown this space, or maybe its outgrown me. However. I'm not quitting. I'm just um, downsizing.

Don't call it micro-blogging. Still call it me, just with less, uh, words.

From now on, emilythemom will be coming to you LIVE and IN PERSON [??] from a different direction:

http://emilythemom.tumblr.com/

Please say you'll come visit? And bring cookies?

Cool. See you there.

F.A.V. This Ones for the Beards.

Dear Beards,








I love you.

Love, me.

a marriage in pictures....

seven years ago today:


six years ago today:


2 months later:


4 years ago today...well...give or take a few days:


at the end of 2006:


and the beginning of 2007:



a long time before all of this:


this time last year:


this time last month:


my face when i got the seven year itch last week:


and saturday, handsomely surrounded by firework smoke:


happy anniversary, mr. hartley. here's to us. and at least sixty more years of pictures.

L O V E Y O U.

happy day, fathers.

Some people hit the jackpot and win a lot of money.

Me?

I won this:





happy fathers day to this guy.

Way Too Early on Saturday Morning Video?

I've been at my mother-in-law's house all week, and I've watched nothing but VH1 Classic.

My husband has always had this theory that cable should be sold by the channel. If that were so, this would be the channel I'd buy. Well, and maybe Boomerang too. [ I watched Snorks, so should my kids, damnit!]

And it just so happens that this week, was maybe the most perfect week ever to stumble upon the 'ol classic. Each night they've showcased a different Rock N' Roll Picture Show.

I started watching on Tuesday -which was The Last Waltz. I love this movie. Very few places will you find Neil Diamond on the same stage with Van Morrison, Eric Clapton, Bob Dylan, and of course The Band. Nothing beats Van's performance of Caravan in this movie either, he can barely stand, yet his performance is awesome. I mean, how do you do that? I certainly don't know. Pretty sure I'd fall right of the stage.

Wednesday was Woodstock. I've probably seen this movie 50 times, but it never gets old. Even though its well, old.

Thursday was Ziggy Stardust, which kinda looks like I shot it myself, but with less irritation. I'm not sure David Bowie with a mullet and wearing a tiny jumpsuit could ever NOT be entertaining. Oh, and the music is awesome too. Though I must be truthful here. Fuse was showing a Bruce Springsteen concert at the exact same time. I may or may not have watched most of that instead.

But Friday. Oh Friday. Like a tasty little cupcake I've been hiding from my kids all week, Friday was The Song Remains the Same.
They could be performing the phonebook and this movie would still be fantastic. I mean as long as you keep the camera on Robert and you fast forward through that scary part where Jimmy Page ages backwards & forwards.

I couldn't have asked for a better week, being lulled into sleep by some of the greatest musical performances of all time. You know, I could have gotten a lot done while I was here. But l didn't. And if I had - i mean c'mon. look at what I would have missed. I'd be so much less of a person right now if I'd just done laundry instead.

So on that note, I'll leave you with two of my favorite Bob Dylan songs from the Last Waltz. Pretty sure he's the real one responsible for that fedora trend.

p.s. You know what The Classic is playing right now? Livin on a Prayer. Obviously, this week was meant to be. For me.

p.p.s this is my 200th blog post. Cheers.

FAV...returns. again.

Its a well know fact that the Hartleys have a bit of trouble making it to church. It's a tough thing for us honestly, we are always conveniently out of town on Sundays.

I have, however, come up with a solution.

I'm starting my own church.

It's gonna be the Church of Joe.

Strummer that is.

We meet on Thursdays.

Baptisms are by fire.

See you there. Punk.

FAV...returns?

I've been this complicated combination of busy and lazy lately and who's caught the brunt of it?

Well, if you asked my house, it would probably try and raise two hands. But it doesn't have hands. Only a garage and a deck. So that answer doesn't count.

And if you ask me, it's poor little Friday Afternoon Videos that's caught the brunt. By the time I remember? Every Friday night?

I'm already asleep. Probably dreaming about being Phil Collins. In a suit. Wearing a yellow tie. And riding in a helicopter. Yup. Definitely riding in a helicopter.

Tickling the Ivories

I've been driving my husband crazy....um, lately [or always?] every time a Bruce Springsteen song comes on with an obvious piano accompaniment [which is uh, pretty much every Springsteen song?].

I'll suddenly get a weird look in my eye and a tingle in my fingers and I'll turn up the volume and declare confidently that 'I'm TOTALLY gonna learn how to play this on the piano!" In fact, I've done it so much recently, that he started answering with "You say that every song. Make up your mind.".

Poor guy. I know it's tough living with me. And lucky for him, I know just the cure.

Piano lessons.

Now, I've had piano lessons before. And yes, I did hate them. But this time it's different.

I swear.

Would you or would you not be totally entertained if you came over to my house and there I was, in some sort of horrific get-up I haven't even thought of yet, taking up the entire living room with a ridiculously large piano, serenading you with Springsteen's "She's The One" or maybe The Beatles' "Martha, My Dear" or making you cry with Journey's "Faithfully"? Or better yet - what if I went all Yes on you with like 25 synthesizers?

Maybe I'm blind but I just don't see how that could NOT be awesome.

Think of the parties! The melodies! The spiritual transformations!

I'm sure I could get my kids to play along. After all, they're short enough that they can still stand on top of a piano.

I can just see it now. "Mom Goes On Tour, Kills On The Keys, Has Horrible Pipes, Makes Own Children Sing for Her"

Yeah. It's gonna be great.

Birthday

31 years ago today, my husband entered this world.

And oh, man. This world would never be the same again.
Even my life had already changed the moment he came along. I just didn't know it yet.

Mostly because I was still a fetus.

But the first moment I saw him 18 year later? I already knew him. That ridiculous guy making a fool of himself on stage? Yeah, that's definitely the one.

I feel blessed every morning that I roll over and he's still there. Even if he does stink a little.

Happy Birthday, babes.
This lady loves you.

A Tale of Two [or more] Teeth

One beautiful morning in April, a mother and her sons paid a visit to the dentist. It was time for all three of them to have a checkup.

It had been a long time since mommy had been to the dentist. Way too long. Embarrassingly long. The 'dentist is gonna laugh right in your face' long. 'Ohmygod you should just transfer everything from your bank to your dentist right flippin' now its that bad' long. Closing in on the 'it's almost been a decade' long....So lon----well, you get the picture.

And her sons? It hadn't been all that long since they'd last seen the dentist. A different dentist than they were seeing today. A different dentist who shall remain nameless and who may or may not be in a little town that starts with a Murf and ends with a Boro or who may or may not have extremely annoying jungle sounds on their website that DO NOT TURN OFF. A dentist who may or may not have claimed her sons needed hundreds of dollars of work done on their teeth. Their BABY teeth.

Mommy was scared to say the least. Mostly for her checkbook, and then of course, for her health. Oh and her kids health too.

Nervous as she was, she sucked it up and went on in. After all, the waiting room was quite tranquil, could it really be all that bad? How many root canals did it take to pay for this tile on the floor? Is that a fountain on the wall? Is that a massage chair she's sitting in? Is that a babbling brook she sees out the window???

Just as the mommy was about to drown in a sea of over-analyzing, out of the blue the sweetest little hygienist you ever did see fluttered in and scooped up one of the mommy's sons. She was so sweet in fact, the mommy's son actually looked pleased he was about to get his teeth cleaned. The mommy's son is 5. It was 7:30. The fact that he was even awake was a miracle, let alone be willing to have his teeth 'tickled' by a total stranger. His appointment came and went. He did not fuss, he did not pout. The mommy thought he might have even enjoyed it.

The dentist came by and gave his opinion. 'Great teeth!', he said. 'No cavities!', he said. The mommy almost fell out of her chair. 'No cavities?', she replied. 'You mean he doesn't need 500 dollars of work done in 2 weeks?' 'Nope.' the dentist said while mommy silently cursed the other dentist who shall remain nameless for claiming the opposite just a few months prior.

Next, the mommy's other son went for his checkup. With a smile on his face and smokin' sunglasses to boot. 'Who are these kids?' the mommy wondered. She was beginning to think they were actually starting to enjoy this whole dentist thing. "Great teeth!', the dentist said again! 'No cavities!' he said. The mommy thought she was gonna freak. Maybe all that nighttime 'brush your teeth' nagging was actually working?

Finally it was the mommy's turn. She got up in the chair. Then she made a lot of lame jokes about why she hadn't been to the dentist in so long. The hygienist was kind enough to fake a laugh, then she sandblasted the mommy's teeth with baking soda.
Just as the mommy thought she was going to start foaming at the mouth, the dentist stopped by.

'Beautiful teeth!', he said. [Take that, sons!, the mommy thought] and then came the clincher. The mommy winced a little in anticipation......

'No cavities!' he said.

'Hooray!' the mommy shouted, except it was more like 'Horragghhhhhhgurlglellle' since she still had that vacuum thingy stuck to her tongue. Then the mommy asked for some laughing gas in celebration. Or maybe not. Nevertheless, she was STOKED!

3 people.
68 teeth.
a helluva lot of halloween/christmas/valentines/president's day/easter candy between them.

And not one cavity?

The mommy decided she could live like this. She was definitely coming back to this dentist.

Right after she challenges her kids to a Who can finish this jawbreaker first? contest.

Good Morning. Here's my Wish List.

Like I said when I was talking mustaches, I've been teaching a lot lately.

This means a few things.

1. I have to get up early.

2. I have to get up really early

3. Very early is when I must get up.


My kids are also in school which also means some more things:

1. I have to get them up early.

2. Its really hard to get them up early.

3. Nobody likes getting up early.


And usually? We're going to the same school.

Which means even more things.

1. We have to be ready at the same time.

2. Let me say that again. WE ALL HAVE TO BE READY TO GO AT THE SAME TIME.

3. That same time we have to be ready by? It's 6:50 am.

To say achieving such a feat was easy would be amusing. About as amusing as me having my own comedy hour [that is assuming my own comedy hour would actually be funny. Which, hello! Of course it would be.].

It doesn't really matter that I'm going on my fourth month of doing this job, I still haven't gotten the morning routine down, and frequently find myself running out the door without something [probably my phone], or spilling something [like burning hot lava coffee], or yelling something [uh, no comment].

I like to pride myself on being a content person, but dangit to heck if there aren't just a few things I wouldn't mind having to make my mornings before school go smoother. You know like.....

1. A [clean & matching] sock dispenser.
I can never find a matching pair of socks. and its always the last thing I need, at the very last minute. It's so hard to find even just one sock. Let alone 4. Why did they have to make kid's feet so dang small?

2. An automatic lunch maker. Human or robot, whatever. I don't care. Just somebody, anybody, ANYTHING, make 3 lunches for me. And don't forget to draw a picture for two of them.....

3. A personal [and professional] dresser. I need someone whose entire job is to get my kids to get dressed. Quickly. And with a smile on their face. This person should also be prepared to do battle with at least one child at 6:42 exactly on will they or won't they agree to wear what was chosen for the day. Said person should also be aware that this requires quite a bit more preparation than they might think.

4. An alarm clock. Not just any old alarm clock. One that will manage to wake me in a delightful mood, and in plenty of time to do my hair. In fact, it should be able to just do my hair for me. NO TANGLES. Oh, and it needs to be able to carry my kids downstairs.They should also be in delightful moods. Perhaps the snooze button should just be set that my clock gets all aforementioned things in the list done for me, and then wakes me up. Yeah. That sounds good.

5. A Chauffeur. That 5 minute drive? It's killer. Somebody else should do it so I can just sit back and drink my coffee. Or at least frantically do my makeup. This same somebody should also make sure they NEVER go over 14 in the school zone, because if you're going 16, or 15.5, you're getting pulled over. For sure.

So there you go. Not a bad list. I mean, I don't think any of these are too much to ask. We all need a little help from our friends....

The Mustache List.

Since December, I've been substitute teaching elementary school to supplement our income.

It's nothing short of awesome, really. You get all the fun benefits of being a teacher, but without quite as much work.
Plus, I get to work almost everyday where my kids go to school, and I can't say I can really complain about that.

There's something so rewarding about walking down a hallway and getting hugs and hellos from every other kid - even if some of them do stink, or have sticky fingers....

But the best part? Definitely the commentary. Oh, the commentary.

I'm sure you've heard me discuss my moustache before right? Thanks to a bit of a, uh, hairy heritage, I've spent a lot of my life bleaching, waxing, and plucking. I'm so used to it, its pretty much part of my beauty routine, and I tend to forget about it.

However, when I had children, I didn't have to forget about it. Because they remembered for me....

"Mommy....you're growing a mustache!"

"Mommy, I can see your mustache, you need to put that white stuff on it..."

"Why do have a mustache like Daddy?"

Its quite amusing really, trying to explain why mommy has a mustache without making my children think their mother used to be a carnie. At an earlier point in my life, all this talk would have made me a little self-conscious, but now, I just think its kinda funny. Plus it always sets up the perfect "Everybody is made different" conversation, so score one for the moms on that.

Of course, just when I thought we'd probably had all the mustache conversations we could muster, I started teaching. Because obviously, I felt the need to discuss it with more children.

And I do.

Not a day goes by where at least one kid doesn't mention it. Right in the middle of a lesson. And keep in mind these are all 4, 5, 6 and 7 years olds I'm working with here. They're honest. Brutally honest.

Really, I could fill this whole blog with some of the comments I've heard, but that would get old [and hairy?]. Quick. Instead you're getting the top five, which are the cream of the crop anyway, the only ones you really need to hear. So here goes:

5. "You know, you have something right here [rubs a snotty finger on my upper lip]."

4. "You have black eyebrows and a blond mustache?"

3. Ok, well this ones more about my eyebrows actually... "Next time you get your nails done, you should have them shave your eyebrows too."

2. And maybe this one is kind of indirect - it was said to another teacher, but its hilarious, so whatever it deserves this spot on the list- "Fernando says Mrs. Hartley is a freak!"

and last but not least, my ultimate favorite, from one of my favorite preschoolers, said with much concern...

1. "WHAT have you been using under your nose???"

You've got to give it up for these kids. They're creative. And sincere. And I don't think I could find a better job. Unless you want to meet me by the water cooler at 3 to discuss your favorite Nair product....

FAV: Hey. Cowbell.

A lot of people think of Blue Oyster Cult or maybe Lynyrd Skynyrd or Swizerland when they hear cowbell.

I think of this:



Now you go....what do think of when you hear the cowbell? Dairy? Or is the Reaper?

Anyone?

FAV: Road Trippin'

WOOOOOOOOO! It's Spring Break '09 y'all! And the Hartley's are roadtrippin'. The Mr. just got back from SXSW, and the boys and I? We're all over the place. Alabama, Ohio, North, South, you name it - we're there. And we're wearing matching airbrushed t-shirts.

So with all this traveling going on, we've got a new favorite road trip song. While driving last night we sang this song for an hour and a half straight. And it was aaawwwweeeessssoooommmee. You should really take a few minutes to learn it yourself. Trust me. You won't be sorry.....

FAV: Feeling Steely

I kinda felt bad for calling out my husband last week with 'The Reflex' and all. I mean, I didn't realize he'd end up being the ONLY person that didn't remember that song. So to make up for it, I'm putting myself on the line. I'm going to admit something that will tarnish me forever and probably make a few people throw up in their mouth.

I LIKE STEELY DAN.

I know. It's horrific. But It's the truth. I like them, and I like them a lot.

I have since I was a kid. Even without Chevy as their drummer. "Ricki, Don't Lose That Number" always takes me back to that brown shag carpet we had in the old apartment where my favorite toy was a spool of thread named "Fitty-Fitty". And "Peg " and "Josie"? They always feel just like old friends.

I could claim I eventually grew out of them, but I'd be lying. I never did. I'm sure this will make perfect sense to you once you see this video.

FAV: The Reflex

Aaron and I were coming back from signing our taxes and treating ourselves to doughnuts this morning [very romantic stuff, we even stopped by the library and returned books, SWOON!] when this song came on his XM. I informed him that I thought he needed to put this song on one of his DJ playlists to which he replied "I don't know what this is."

"Just wait for the chorus." I said. The chorus came and went and came and went again. Still didn't ring a bell.

I was shocked. I almost choked on my coconut doughnut. I mean yes, we were only 6 when this song came out [1984] but I do still remember watching this video and wishing someday I'd have a boyfriend with awesome Duran Duran hair. Aaron says he must have been too busy listening to Mousercise at the time.

And in his defense, that was a really good album.

So, how about you - do you remember "The Reflex"?

Oh Yeah That Lent Thing.

I was positive it was still Ash Wednesday. Turns out its already positively the Wednesday after Ash Wednesday. Seriously. When did that happen? Where did that week go and since when did they make February so flippin' close to March? I was so positive this year had only just begun, yet a third of it is practically gone already.

See? I'm doing awesome with my Lent project. I'm obviously staying positive. I mean, I used the word at least three times in the last paragraph. That's good. That's real change.

But seriously, dear[s?]. I have been working on it. And working hard. What have I learned so far? Turns out its not as much about just staying positive - for me- as it s planning ahead, or um, LETTING IT GO.

Sometimes its those little things that I just. can't. let. go. that I sit on, or let build up, that fuel my most negative moments.

So what if the dogs just got into the house for the 6th time today? Its not so much fail as it is just a little fart. Neither me, nor them, or us, will die because this just happened.

Who cares if my children are on their third pair of pants within a span of 10 minutes? At least they're clothed - isn't that good enough?

Or what about the fact that we had pizza for dinner tonight and Mickey D's last night? Wait. I don't really see anything wrong with that statement.

What do I always say to my kids? You get what you get, don't throw a fit. Maybe I should just apply that little nugget to myself. After all, I am a little old for stomping my feet and screaming when things don't go my way, just by a few years at least.....

F.A.V: Dear Bret

I knew I should have stuck with my crush on Rikki Rockett instead.
But how was I supposed to know you were going to throw it all back in my face with your 'Rock of Love'?

It's not fair that every time I hear "Nothing But A Good Time" these days I want to vom. It's feelings of nostalgia I want when you come on the radio. Not nausea.

I should of quit you that time you canceled your tour date with Slaughter in Cincinnati in 1991 because Bobby Dall broke his hand. Obviously the universe was trying to tell me something. It knew what was coming. But no. I stuck with you. I had the audacity to see you twice in concert after the year 2000. And I'm telling you - If you hadn't brought Cinderella out BOTH times, I probably wouldn't even admit that anymore.

You know - I'm ok with the fact that you might really want a solo career, or that maybe you're just trying to put your babies through school.I might even go as far as to say I'm ok with the fact that you can't seem to come to terms with what aging has done to your hair. But c'mon now! I'm pretty sure I could have the gone the rest of my life just fine without ever knowing anything about Daisy or Heather or that Megan. Or all those Brandis. Or anybody on that bus for that matter. Blech.

All I gotta say is that why'd you have to go tarnish my youth? Couldn't you have just stayed classy like Def Leppard did?

Geez, Bret. I thought you were something to believe in. Thanks for being the thorn in my rose.

Love [Tom Keifer more than you],
Emily

Givin' It Up for Lent. Yo.

Its the first official day of Lent and I'm really going all out this year if you didn't already notice. I mean. I'm pretty sure I managed to consume my body weight in sugar yesterday. It's safe to say I fufilled my Fat Tuesday duites with flying colors. Thank you IHOP. And Pillsbury. And whoever makes sprinkles.

I'm trying to get the kids in on the fun too. I tried to explain the whole idea of Ash Wednesday to them, and the results were priceless. They couldn't get past the ash part and to them ash=fire and fire=cool. So in short, Ash Wednesday is their new favorite holiday.

I grew up Catholic and while I don't always agree with some of their practices, I still love all the tradition and history and imagery that is Catholicism. Ah, such warm memories I have of many Ash Wednesdays past. Like sitting in class after mass in grade school trying to figure out whose ash smudge looked like what. Or how about that dreaded feeling of only getting to choose between eating fish or pizza on fridays until Easter? My sisters and I still laugh about writing on a rock in church every. single. year. that we'd try to be a little nicer to each other.

So in honor of my obviously rich and reverent childhood, I'm gonna give it up for Lent this year. I mean, I bringing Lent back. I'm totally gonna go all serious on Lent's you know what. Um.....yeah.

What I'm really trying to say is that I want to make decent effort this year to maybe make a real change. And I'm gonna use this blog to hold me accountable. It's either going to be awesome, amusing, entertaining, and educational, or I'm going to bore the heck out of you for forty days. And forty nights. Depending on when [or if] you regularly read this.

What I'm going to try and give up you ask?

Negativity.

I've got a nasty negative mindset I'd like to shake. I wouldn't say I'm pessimisitic, but I definitely have a bad habit of thinking the worst is going to happen before I buck up and realize the best might actually be what's right around the corner. I'd like for things the be the other way around. I'd like to think that might change my attitude for the better.

The hardest part about actively trying to make a change is taking the time to work on it everyday. Which is why I'm choosing to air it all out here. You know it's going to be fun. Just you wait. You'll laugh when you find out how angry I get when I stub my toe.

So here goes nothing. I even made a sign.



Yeah, I know. It's AWESOME.
[See? More positive already.]

Bringing the Fat in Fat Tuesday. Really.

You know what I did today? Practically spent the whole day at IHOP.

Because hello! It's also National Pancake Day.

A normal person probably would have gone once. Or maybe just gotten some pancakes to go.

But me?

I went twice. Once for brunch and once for supper. Once with out kids, once with. Once with hashbrowns, once with fake granola.

I managed to scarf down at least 6 pancakes, 4 glasses of water with 2 lemons, a side of hashbrowns and a few crumbs they were trying to pass off as granola. Because when Cash hears that it's Pancake Day, he orders granola & yogurt.

And as if that weren't enough sugar to make your teeth just roll right out of your mouth.....we went home and made a king cake.



I think we've got our bases covered as far as holidays that fall on Tuesday, February 24th, 2009 go. Just call us festive.

And if I were you I'd make sure i hung around Hayden for the rest of the year. He's gonna have some good luck. Hope that means he remembers to save enough quarters to buy the King Cake next year.



By the way, I'm going all out for lent this year. I might even blog it. What am I giving up? You're just gonna have to wait until tomorrow.