Thursday, April 30, 2009

Tickling the Ivories

I've been driving my husband, lately [or always?] every time a Bruce Springsteen song comes on with an obvious piano accompaniment [which is uh, pretty much every Springsteen song?].

I'll suddenly get a weird look in my eye and a tingle in my fingers and I'll turn up the volume and declare confidently that 'I'm TOTALLY gonna learn how to play this on the piano!" In fact, I've done it so much recently, that he started answering with "You say that every song. Make up your mind.".

Poor guy. I know it's tough living with me. And lucky for him, I know just the cure.

Piano lessons.

Now, I've had piano lessons before. And yes, I did hate them. But this time it's different.

I swear.

Would you or would you not be totally entertained if you came over to my house and there I was, in some sort of horrific get-up I haven't even thought of yet, taking up the entire living room with a ridiculously large piano, serenading you with Springsteen's "She's The One" or maybe The Beatles' "Martha, My Dear" or making you cry with Journey's "Faithfully"? Or better yet - what if I went all Yes on you with like 25 synthesizers?

Maybe I'm blind but I just don't see how that could NOT be awesome.

Think of the parties! The melodies! The spiritual transformations!

I'm sure I could get my kids to play along. After all, they're short enough that they can still stand on top of a piano.

I can just see it now. "Mom Goes On Tour, Kills On The Keys, Has Horrible Pipes, Makes Own Children Sing for Her"

Yeah. It's gonna be great.

Sunday, April 19, 2009


31 years ago today, my husband entered this world.

And oh, man. This world would never be the same again.
Even my life had already changed the moment he came along. I just didn't know it yet.

Mostly because I was still a fetus.

But the first moment I saw him 18 year later? I already knew him. That ridiculous guy making a fool of himself on stage? Yeah, that's definitely the one.

I feel blessed every morning that I roll over and he's still there. Even if he does stink a little.

Happy Birthday, babes.
This lady loves you.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

A Tale of Two [or more] Teeth

One beautiful morning in April, a mother and her sons paid a visit to the dentist. It was time for all three of them to have a checkup.

It had been a long time since mommy had been to the dentist. Way too long. Embarrassingly long. The 'dentist is gonna laugh right in your face' long. 'Ohmygod you should just transfer everything from your bank to your dentist right flippin' now its that bad' long. Closing in on the 'it's almost been a decade' long....So lon----well, you get the picture.

And her sons? It hadn't been all that long since they'd last seen the dentist. A different dentist than they were seeing today. A different dentist who shall remain nameless and who may or may not be in a little town that starts with a Murf and ends with a Boro or who may or may not have extremely annoying jungle sounds on their website that DO NOT TURN OFF. A dentist who may or may not have claimed her sons needed hundreds of dollars of work done on their teeth. Their BABY teeth.

Mommy was scared to say the least. Mostly for her checkbook, and then of course, for her health. Oh and her kids health too.

Nervous as she was, she sucked it up and went on in. After all, the waiting room was quite tranquil, could it really be all that bad? How many root canals did it take to pay for this tile on the floor? Is that a fountain on the wall? Is that a massage chair she's sitting in? Is that a babbling brook she sees out the window???

Just as the mommy was about to drown in a sea of over-analyzing, out of the blue the sweetest little hygienist you ever did see fluttered in and scooped up one of the mommy's sons. She was so sweet in fact, the mommy's son actually looked pleased he was about to get his teeth cleaned. The mommy's son is 5. It was 7:30. The fact that he was even awake was a miracle, let alone be willing to have his teeth 'tickled' by a total stranger. His appointment came and went. He did not fuss, he did not pout. The mommy thought he might have even enjoyed it.

The dentist came by and gave his opinion. 'Great teeth!', he said. 'No cavities!', he said. The mommy almost fell out of her chair. 'No cavities?', she replied. 'You mean he doesn't need 500 dollars of work done in 2 weeks?' 'Nope.' the dentist said while mommy silently cursed the other dentist who shall remain nameless for claiming the opposite just a few months prior.

Next, the mommy's other son went for his checkup. With a smile on his face and smokin' sunglasses to boot. 'Who are these kids?' the mommy wondered. She was beginning to think they were actually starting to enjoy this whole dentist thing. "Great teeth!', the dentist said again! 'No cavities!' he said. The mommy thought she was gonna freak. Maybe all that nighttime 'brush your teeth' nagging was actually working?

Finally it was the mommy's turn. She got up in the chair. Then she made a lot of lame jokes about why she hadn't been to the dentist in so long. The hygienist was kind enough to fake a laugh, then she sandblasted the mommy's teeth with baking soda.
Just as the mommy thought she was going to start foaming at the mouth, the dentist stopped by.

'Beautiful teeth!', he said. [Take that, sons!, the mommy thought] and then came the clincher. The mommy winced a little in anticipation......

'No cavities!' he said.

'Hooray!' the mommy shouted, except it was more like 'Horragghhhhhhgurlglellle' since she still had that vacuum thingy stuck to her tongue. Then the mommy asked for some laughing gas in celebration. Or maybe not. Nevertheless, she was STOKED!

3 people.
68 teeth.
a helluva lot of halloween/christmas/valentines/president's day/easter candy between them.

And not one cavity?

The mommy decided she could live like this. She was definitely coming back to this dentist.

Right after she challenges her kids to a Who can finish this jawbreaker first? contest.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Good Morning. Here's my Wish List.

Like I said when I was talking mustaches, I've been teaching a lot lately.

This means a few things.

1. I have to get up early.

2. I have to get up really early

3. Very early is when I must get up.

My kids are also in school which also means some more things:

1. I have to get them up early.

2. Its really hard to get them up early.

3. Nobody likes getting up early.

And usually? We're going to the same school.

Which means even more things.

1. We have to be ready at the same time.

2. Let me say that again. WE ALL HAVE TO BE READY TO GO AT THE SAME TIME.

3. That same time we have to be ready by? It's 6:50 am.

To say achieving such a feat was easy would be amusing. About as amusing as me having my own comedy hour [that is assuming my own comedy hour would actually be funny. Which, hello! Of course it would be.].

It doesn't really matter that I'm going on my fourth month of doing this job, I still haven't gotten the morning routine down, and frequently find myself running out the door without something [probably my phone], or spilling something [like burning hot lava coffee], or yelling something [uh, no comment].

I like to pride myself on being a content person, but dangit to heck if there aren't just a few things I wouldn't mind having to make my mornings before school go smoother. You know like.....

1. A [clean & matching] sock dispenser.
I can never find a matching pair of socks. and its always the last thing I need, at the very last minute. It's so hard to find even just one sock. Let alone 4. Why did they have to make kid's feet so dang small?

2. An automatic lunch maker. Human or robot, whatever. I don't care. Just somebody, anybody, ANYTHING, make 3 lunches for me. And don't forget to draw a picture for two of them.....

3. A personal [and professional] dresser. I need someone whose entire job is to get my kids to get dressed. Quickly. And with a smile on their face. This person should also be prepared to do battle with at least one child at 6:42 exactly on will they or won't they agree to wear what was chosen for the day. Said person should also be aware that this requires quite a bit more preparation than they might think.

4. An alarm clock. Not just any old alarm clock. One that will manage to wake me in a delightful mood, and in plenty of time to do my hair. In fact, it should be able to just do my hair for me. NO TANGLES. Oh, and it needs to be able to carry my kids downstairs.They should also be in delightful moods. Perhaps the snooze button should just be set that my clock gets all aforementioned things in the list done for me, and then wakes me up. Yeah. That sounds good.

5. A Chauffeur. That 5 minute drive? It's killer. Somebody else should do it so I can just sit back and drink my coffee. Or at least frantically do my makeup. This same somebody should also make sure they NEVER go over 14 in the school zone, because if you're going 16, or 15.5, you're getting pulled over. For sure.

So there you go. Not a bad list. I mean, I don't think any of these are too much to ask. We all need a little help from our friends....