Thursday, July 31, 2008

If Its Broken, Deny It. Blame it on Rocky the Raccoon.

A curious thing is happening at my house.

Paint is peeling.

Objects are breaking at random.

Spills are materializing.

It's coming out of nowhere.

Who's doing these things to me?

I can only imagine. I've begun to think it must be some sort of ghost. A ghost on a rather irritating journey of destruction, determined to undermine all of my housework [notice how I said all, as if to imply that I do a lot of housework]. Perhaps its a kind of retribution? Bad cleaning karma? Revenge brought on by some raccoon who swallowed the gum I threw out the window? Or some bird who choked on that balloon I let fly?

Must be. Because it's certainly not my children doing these things. Not those beautiful, squeaky-clean, well mannered, selfless, honest little life specimens. Of course not. I can't imagine doing such things [and then lying about said things' exsistence] would even cross their minds.

Nope. Not my kids.


Me: Where did that spill come from?
Dearest Children: I don't know.
Me: Well it must have come from somewhere.
Statement greeted with silence and then....
Hayden: I might have spilled my Vitamin water....


Aaron [also known as my husband, dad, guy with a beard]: Did you guys peel that paint off the wall?
Me [to Aaron]: But I thought you did that.
Aaron: Uh, no. I didn't.
Me: But I asked them about it earlier and they clearly said no, it wasn't them. And I, uh, believed it.
Both parents shoot disapproving looks in the general direction of children.

Cash: Uh. We did it with a screwdriver?
Hayden: Yeah. Standing on top of here [points to skinny corner edge on the top bunk of their bunk beds].

Me: Sighs in disbelief. Faints from betrayal.


Me: Hayden, I noticed my beloved [hideous green & white ceramic] frog upstairs was missing a piece of its mouth. Do you know how that happened?
Hayden: No.
Me: Really? You know you can tell me these things...I won't get mad.
Hayden: Well, Ithrewmytruckandithititanditbrokeanditwasanaccident.
Me: Now that's more like it.

See what I mean? The whole ghost explanation was way more interesting.

Now, please feel free to make me feel better by admitting there's a wandering little ghost with sticky fingerprints and muddy shoes destroying your house too? PLEASE???

Monday, July 28, 2008

Everything I Ever Wanted to Know I Learned On Vacation

1. Be prepared for anything. Because anything will happen. Like your son announcing a loose tooth [the first one, mind you] at breakfast that was out of his mouth by lunch.

2. Always do the opposite of what you actually want. This year I threw caution to the wind and decided I could care less about getting a tan. The result? Best. Tan. Ever. Not that I care of course, except that I'm totally going to cry when its gone.

3. Fudpuckers is never a good idea [with 5 kids in tow]. I don't care if they do have alligators. It's not even a good name.

4. If your kids don't like to go underwater, by all means, buy them some superhero goggles. Apparently, the idea of being able to actually see what you are swimming into makes a huge difference.

5. Don't paint your house, then leave on vacation. Because the mess you left + the mess you bring home with you = gross. Paint chips AND sand? Dustbuster don't fail me now.

6. When you're 4, the ocean gets old. Quickly. Well, at least it does if you're my kids.

7. Keep your bangs trimmed. Or they'll get in your face while your kids are looking cute.

8. Don't put Crocs [or their imitators] in the dryer.

9. Remember when your parents told you to stay away from [electrical] outlets? Well that same rule should also apply to outlet malls. Just because you're on vacation doesn't mean your budget is too.

10. It takes hours to catch a fish using just a net while standing in the surf. Hours, I tell you.

And then, when you're definitely not looking. Some little minnow will just 'show up'.

11. Forget the tantrums, remember the good stuff, and always, always, do your best to just sit back and enjoy it. And while you're at it, lay off that shutter button on the camera, because it takes a while to upload all 417 of those pictures...

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Vacation. Update. Sort-Of. Not really.

I had this grand idea.

I'd regularly update you on my vacation with beachy little tidbits, funny anecdotes and pictures by the sea.

I was going to be so on top of it. Captivating you with tales of minnow-fishing and outlet-bargaining, with the amusing photographs to prove it.

But seriously. Who am I kidding?


It's not like I get on here every night, just bursting with witty observations that I just can't bear to keep to myself...

It's more like every night I'm stuffing my face, spending money I don't have, frying myself to an attractive crisp, desperately trying to get my kids to pose for a picture on the beach JUST ONCE with out making a peace sign and wiling away the hours making fun of all the rich rednecks in their ill-fitting Juicy bikinis while I re-adjusting my children's goggles for the 453rd time.

Obviously, the fun and excitement has been so overwhelming, I almost forgot my laptop even came with us. I mean she refuses to step foot on the beach for fear of getting sand in her 'precious keyboard', and won't even lay out by the pool because she's paranoid of being splashed, so how could I possibly even be expected to spend time with her?

Alas, the end is near [and thankfully, because I think we're only seconds away from imploding due to cousin overload]. I shall return, and believe me, you'll hear all about it.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Blame It on the Fumes?

What happened to me last week? I started off all strong, you know with no meddling kids and all around and then......silence.

Its almost like I feel of the face of the earth. Or maybe teetered over the edge of the blogosphere.

Truth is, I fell into a paint can.

I did what any good mother would do without her kids around for a whole week. You know, take on a massive decorating project that would drastically improve my kid's rooms while simultaneously creating one mother of a mess in the rest of the house. In other words, I decided to paint their bedroom, and just for kicks, I threw in the playroom too.

It was like a party with paint. My friend Stacy even drove all the way down from Cincy to lend a hand, and even my husband pitched in...

[my apologies to Angel, who helped me so much, I forgot to take her picture]

I'd post you before and afters, but frankly, its not really done yet. And my befores, well they're really more like durings, because, you know, I kind of forgot all about documenting this amazing transformation.

Also, I retired my paint roller over the weekend and somehow ended up here:

and now that the sun and sand are within my reach, well, I'm starting to feel a little, bummer. I guess you'll just have wait. In the meantime...tell me how you're doing.What would you do without your kids for a week?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Lets Add Another Entry to my Shopping Files...

Well I guess this is technically the first entry, but whatever...moving on...

I did the unthinkable this weekend.

I actually purchased clothes at Anthropologie.

Yes, I know. How insane!

No more crying over the catalog, or empty-handed window shopping [well, at least this time around].

My first item was the most awesome, most comfortable pair of wide leg pants ever. It was love at first sight, though I'll admit i did get a little nervous when I saw a woman in full-footed leopard print clogs eyeing them as well. But what the hell - they are the perfect summer pants, the perfect beach attire, and I don't know how I'm going to be able to stop myself from wearing them every damn day, all damn year.

Hey, do these go with my hot pink bedazzled halter? Of course.
What about this sheer orange turtleneck? Why not?

[ridiculous items of clothing exaggerated for humorous effect]

I tried my best to get a real life picture of me wearing them, but it just didn't do them justice, they just look like glorified jammie pants, which um, I guess they are.

Secondly, I snatched up something I'd swooned over in the catalog months ago:

Yes, that is an AUTHENTIC Bon Jovi mirror in the background

I believe its the first wrap dress i have ever owned, and I think I need like, oh, maybe a hundred more. Somebody call Diane Von Furstenberg for me. NOW.

The coolest thing about this little shopping excursion was the itty-bitty bag the preferred shoppers card came in. You can expect I'll probably sign up at least fifty more times, just so I can get fifty more. And don't even get me started on the instruction card that came with it. This graphic designer is jealous.

Yes, I know I could probably sew this myself, but c'mon now, thats beside the point.

Before I get a little too amorous about the anthro, I'll switch gears. Because maybe you haven't noticed, but I totally smell better than usual. That's right. Thirty years old and I finally bought my first real bottle of perfume. Or more like i spent a lot of money [birthday money, of course] on a fancy bottle with a spit and a half's worth of flowery liquid in it. Call it a waste or call it a good investment, any way you look at it, there has been a significant drop in the number of people running in the other direction after they catch a whiff of me.

Better than deodorant? Not quite. But definitely prettier. More fun to spray.

It should be noted that each of these purchases was way out of the ordinary for me and my wallet and were only made possible by the generousity of others, you can fully expect that my next entry we be right back down to Target, Old Navy, Forever 21 and Goodwill. Unless, of course, I get lucky.

Enough about me though, what have you bought, or not bought, lately?

Monday, July 14, 2008

In Case You Didn't Know.

I don't have any kids for an ENTIRE WEEK..

Yes, I know I'm lucky and no, I'm not get anything done.

I woke up this morning to no whimpers, no requests, and no idea what to do.

I sort of wandered around a little bit like a lost puppy missing two 3-foot tall dictators, and then I remembered.


So instead of making myself breakfast, I got in the car, which, oh my god, took me like, all of A MINUTE, and I put the key in the ignition -WITHOUT having to locate superman on his cape first- and then I drove -QUIETLY- to Starbucks, where I bought myself breakfast AND coffee without having to spend forty dollars because I also had to buy two cookies and two chocolate milks - oh wait, I meant ORGANIC chocolate milks.

After that, I went shopping, where the only person I had to worry about getting hit by a car in the parking lot was me and I was able to browse from rack to rack without losing anyone amidst the clearance clothing, which by the way, were far too expensive to be considered clearance.

Because I concocted some insane idea last week that I would try and paint my children's room and maybe even their playroom while they were gone I then when paint chip shopping, which I totally suck at doing alone. I lost myself in all those pretty little chips and had to take my husband back later to shock me into making an actual decision. He has this uncanny way of making it seem like the answer was under my nose the whole time, and good lord, could I just stop thinking about it so hard and just pick something?

Later on that evening, we had a relaxing dinner, where I was able to eat all my food without having to get up once and my husband tried to keep things lively by yelling out at random ghost children. To top it all off, we then went out for ice cream, where ironically, I was the one who fell off the curb into the parking lot, almost knocking over an elderly couple.


I guess I really do miss my kids...

Thursday, July 10, 2008

The SeerSucker Experiment was a Success.

I was going to write you a post all about my trip home. You know, all about how that girl threw up on me at Tom Petty. And about how we took the boys to Kings Island for the first time

and Hayden threw up his Smurf ice cream.

I was even going to fill you in on how my husband I and expertly pulled off the Mr. & Mrs. Preppy Go To Town look at my cousin's wedding. see? totally preppy. and we're moving so, were totally going...somewhere.
Or how it came about that our fireworks display ended up lasting three nights long.

Or maybe you'd love to know that we spent our sixth wedding anniversary at IKEA, and yes, it was totally romantic, just look.
Or wait - I'd bet you'd really enjoy a detailed discussion on all the ridiculous spots my kids ended up getting bug bites - see above ice cream picture for evidence. Or how about the moment when Cash did a twenty minute air-guitar solo performance - with a roman candle- to Jimi Hendrix, wherein I realized I'd never exposed him to Jimi before, and crap. I should have done it a long time ago.

Yeah, I was going to tell you all about it. But then I figured, eh. Might as well just show you.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

....and we're off

Here we go, headed out to spend the next few days in the birth place of three-ways, Tide, cornhole, and um, me.

Here I go, getting ready to spend 4+ hours in the car fielding requests for unreachable toys, cheeseburgers, and demands to knock the sun of the sky, because you know "It's in my face!!!!!!"

We'll be celebrating independence, my cousin's nuptials, and the 6th anniversary of the day I said i'd sleep next to this guy for the rest of my life:

Hopefully we'll have enough room for our clothes among all those fireworks.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Must Be That Time Of Year Again

Its always nice when your kids actually want to sit with you, taking a minute to relax and have a conversation together.

My kids did just that this afternoon. We cuddled up on the recliner and got cozy. We laughed, we shared stories, and we discussed the important things in life.

Like fireworks.

You see, my kids have been waiting all year for the 4th to roll back around. They've been patiently on the lookout for that first red and white tent to pop up and when it did, they wasted no time starting to beg for the chance to go in.

Last night, thanks to their dad, they finally got their wish. Me, I stayed home so I'd yet to experience the full extent of their shopping spree.

One by one, they carefully brought over each, um, explosive. There were tanks, rockets, missiles, race cars, you name it, if it has a fuse, you can bet its currently in my living room.

"This one pops!"

"This one screams!"

"This one has a parachute and balls!"

And after each explanation, a simple statement:

"If we're really lucky, the whole thing will catch on fire!!!'

Looks like Mommy's raised a couple of pyromaniacs. Def Leppard better watch out.

Happy Birthday America! Lets light your fire!


(this is the part where you imagine "Photograph" playing in the background while I fade out....)